Clarity
by Cloudsofsand
Summary: Even after 5 years, Izaya struggles to put his break up with Shizuo behind him. His already damaged life starts to get even more complicated when Shizuo comes back and past emotions begin to submerge once again. Shizaya. AU.
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** Clarity  
**Rating:** M  
**Pairing: **Shizuo x Izaya  
**Warnings:** Male x Male Relationships, Smut, Established Relationships

**Description: **Even after 5 years, Izaya struggles to put his break up with Shizuo behind him. His already damaged life starts to get even more complicated when Shizuo comes back and past emotions begin to submerge once again. Shizaya. AU.

* * *

"_Leaving?" My crimson eyes are the widest they have ever been in my entire life as I stared at the man sitting next to me in disbelief. The setting sun casts an orange glow on the colorful playground that we are currently sitting on. The man, boyfriend, my lover, is sitting next to me with his head held down as he nods. There is an extremely sharp pain in my heart and the world around me seems to stop. My mouth runs dry and I feel as if I am about to choke. This couldn't be real. "W-when?" I manage to ask with a shakey, unsure voice. _

"_Tomorrow." He says before lifting his head and looking at me with those warm honey eyes of his. "Kasuka is going to live in America for a while..so I thought that, you know, I should go with…" My mind doesn't process what is said as it's still trying to interrupt the word leaving. My whole body begins to shake as my heart starts to beat at a faster pace than normal. _

"_Izaya…" At some point, my boyfriend's hand cupped my face. His thumb began to rub at my jaw in attempt to soothe me but it's not working. _

"_S-Shizu-chan…please…" The blonde man in front of me scoots closer and pulls me into a warm embrace._

"_Izaya, this doesn't mean we are breaking up…I will text you every day and call you every night. I just…need some time to find myself." Shizuo pulls away and looks into my red eyes with a soft expression. _

"_I love you Izaya, I won't ever leave me. It will only be a few weeks."_

* * *

I shoot up from an abrupt awakening. My heart is pounding and my body is filled with the overwhelming feeling of pain. It takes me a moment to calm down and realize that it was only a dream; a dream that was a former grim reality that casted a dark shadow of depression on my life. It's been 5 years since Shizu-chan left, and his presence still remains to constantly hurt me.

"What is it Izaya?" I look over quickly and see my boyfriend sitting up in bed next to me. His look isn't filled with concern or worry, but I know he is. That's just how he is. Contrary to popular belief, Shiki is actually a very caring man. He just lacks the ability to show it as well as the average person.

"Ah…It's nothing Shiki. Go back to sleep." The older man continues to look at man, not believing my obvious lie, however, he knows not to push me. Instead he lays down and wraps his arms around me. I push him off and get out of bed. Quickly, I make my way to the bathroom. I will most likely feel bad about that later, but for now I my head needs clearing from the poisonous memories of my past.

My hands clench the white tile hard as my head hangs down and I try and maintain a normal breathing rhythm. Why does his image still haunt me? His memory wraps its claws around my entire being and refuses to let go.

Countless illegal drugs, alcohol binges, self-harming cuts, meaningless one night stands, therapy sessions and suicide attempts aren't enough to get him out of my mind. Not matter how hard I try and shake it, he remains to possess me. I feel like a prisoner within my own body and I have been sentenced to life. It's not only me that it hurts too. My friends are just waiting for the moment that I go off the deep end for what seems like the millionth time. Shiki's feelings are constantly hurt with my stubbornness to fully accept his feelings for me. He is one of the best men I have ever known, however, I cannot love him.

No, I can never love _anyone. _

My entire being is now incapable of that emotion. I cannot feel love anymore. My brain has put up its walls and they are impenetrable. It's sad, yes, but that is what my life has become.

After my breathing finally goes back down to a normal rhythm, I drag myself back to bed. I must have been in there much longer than I thought because Shiki is already asleep when my body slips back into the silky covers. I want to sleep, but I just lay there for hours. Exhaustion pulls at my eyes, but I am afraid to fall back into the dream reality of my past. I'm afraid to see his face again. Even if it is just a dream, and not the real thing, it will still affect me for days. I turn over and bring my knees up to my chest. My weak arms wrap around them to pull them closer.

Before I know it, it's morning. Glancing over at the older man sleeping next to me, I see that he is still sound in his dream land. Carefully, I slid myself out of the expensive bed. I quickly find my black pants and black V-neck shirt that have been carelessly tossed in the room from the evenings escapades. As quiet as a mouse, I dress myself and make my way towards the door. My black, furred coat is pulled off of its hook and quickly gracing my thin figure. I quickly make myself towards the door of the upscale apartment and let myself out.

Due to it being no later than 5:30 in the morning, the normally busy streets of Shinjuku are nearly vacant. The chilly morning air blows against my face while my nostrils are filled with the familiar scent of morning dew. Somehow, those things are very soothing to me. I take my time dragging my feet to my loft that morning, taking in all the signs of life around me. I need to remind myself that there _is _a bright side and someday, I will forget about the first and only man I have ever truly loved. A smile graces my face but is quickly swept away when my crimson orbs lay on the sight before me.

My blood runs cold as an all too familiar man with blonde hair is getting out of cab and stepping onto the streets of Shinjuku again after 5 years…

* * *

_I..have had this story stuck in my head for months now. I know this chapter is short, but I am trying to get the idea out there. This is an eventual Shizaya fic with already established relationships. There will be a lot of hurt/comfort in it. I hope you enjoy! _

**_Review and let me know if I should continue! _**


	2. Chapter 2

**Title**: Clarity  
**Rating**: M  
**Pairing**: Shizuo x Izaya  
**Warnings**: Male x Male Relationships, Smut, Established Relationships

**Description**: Even after 5 years, Izaya struggles to put his break up with Shizuo behind him. His already damaged life starts to get even more complicated when Shizuo comes back and past emotions begin to submerge once again. Shizaya. AU.

* * *

I feel as though a hundred pound weight was just dropped on me, but, instead of excruciating pain, I am struck with emotions. My body wants to scream, cry and break something all at the same time. The source of 5 years of my mental and physical trauma is standing, in the flesh, no more than 20 feet from me. Shizuo looks remarkably identical from how he did 5 years ago. His hair is still the same color of bleach blonde as it was and he is as physically fit as ever. It's like the gap of time where he virtually disappeared from existence just never existed. My mental and physical being cannot settle on which emotion I should exclusively feel and do. It was like my mind was playing tricks on me and the man in front of me was no more than a ghost.

However, I knew this wasn't some cruel, twisted, fantasy of my cruel mind once a woman, whom I have never seen before, steps out of the car and walks over to my ex. I watch as I see Shizuo walk to the back of the car and pull out a few suitcases. A few of them he hands over to the woman.

Things finally start to click in my mind. The reason why Shizuo just abruptly stopped contacting me while he was in America. He met this _girl_! My fists clench as red starts to invade my vision. It takes all my remaining will power that I have not to run over and commit a double homicide. _'He's not worth it.'_ I try and tell myself, but he _was_ worth it. That man, Shizuo Heiwajima, has been an obsession of mine ever since the day we met.

I am, in no way, what can be described as a normal human being. I'm a very cocky and manipulative asshole. I have always had this protective fortress around me that kept people from getting too close. Shizuo has been the only exception. He has been the only person that I have ever connected with on a deep, personal level. The only person I have ever let in and reach deep inside of me. He has been the only person I have truly kissed, made love to, and the only person that I have told that I love them while actually meaning it.

Our relationship, just like me, could never be described as normal. Ever since we met, we could not keep our hands off of each other, not always in the intimate way though. We got in very violent fights since we've met and that didn't change while he dated. Our sex was full of raw, animalistic passion and during the euphoric aftermath, we would talk about deep issues.

Our relationship was never normal, but we truly were in love. At least, I was in love with him. That's why him, just disappearing from my world, hit me so hard.

I watch with a heavy heart as the two walk towards an apartment building and disappear within the concrete walls. I'm still angry beyond belief, but have enough control to turn on my heel and head the long way to my apartment.

Once I'm inside my apartment, I head quickly to my medicine cabinet in my bathroom. I pull out a bottle of my prescription strength sleeping pills and take few. I want nothing more than just to sleep the day away and hopefully wake up from this horrible nightmare.

* * *

When I finally woke up the next day, I'm shocked to see that it is already half passed one pm. Still, my body felt completely drained. I could go back to sleep at any given moment, which isn't normally since I just slept over 12 non-consecutive hours.

I reach over and wrap my fingers around my cold cell phone. The electronic device lights up to life once I press the standby button. There are 5 missed calls. Huh, normally I'm a light sleeper. Scrolling through them, I see that 4 of them are from Shiki, probably to check on me, and one is from Shinra. It's not entirely unusual to get a call from him, but it's definitely not a common occurrence.

I sit up in my bed and tap on the call button to call my oh so wonderful wanna be doctor friend. The sound of his voice once he picks up causes an immediate headache.

"Shinra, what the heck did you want?" My tone is somewhat aggravated but, really, can you blame me? I just woke up and now I'm listening to the most chipper person in the world. Not to mention the most love sick. My chest hurts as I feel a sharp pain in my heart at the mere thought of love.

"_Hmm? Oh, uhm...I need you to come over here. Right away."_ His normally chipper attitude drops slightly to a more serious one. Most people wouldn't notice it, but I have been friends with him long enough to pick it up. A deep sigh escapes my mouth as I bring up my thumb and middle finger to rub at my head in a naïve attempt to sooth the growing headache.

"Fine." The end call button is hit before the love sick man can say another word and increase the annoying throbbing in my head. I toss my phone on the pillow next to me and fall backwards onto my soft pillow. Honestly, I don't want to get out of bed today, but I know if I don't, then he will come here and drag me out anyway. My reddish brown eyes shift from the ceiling back to my phone lying next to me.

I suppose that I should call Shiki back.

* * *

"Oh! Izaya, welcome~!" I cringe slightly at the sight at the overly happy man standing in the doorway in front of me. He steps aside and ushers me inside, which I do. Shinra's apartment is small, but it's suitable for his needs. The only two that live here are him and his girlfriend Celty so they didn't need a five thousand square foot flat. My legs bring me over to their couch and sit myself down. Out of the corner of my eye, I notice the spectacled male examining me. He is quite observant, especially when it comes to me. He walks in front of me and smiles.

"Would you like some tea or maybe coff-"

"No." I interrupt. "What's this all about Shinra? I am a very person you know." He stares at me for a second before adjusting his glasses and sitting down on the coffee table that is across from me.

"Izaya…" His tone is serious, which is a rarity for him. He remains quiet for a moment, as if looking for the right words to say. The air is now uncomfortably serious. "Shizuo…He is back in town."

Everything around me stills at the mention of his name. I wanted so much for that to be a dream, but for Shinra to be saying this is making it all too real. My heart rate picks up as a surge of emotions runs through me. My head drops slightly as I look at the floor.

"I know…" Shinra seems surprised by my answer but I pay little attention to that. So many thoughts and feelings are running through me at this moment.

"I know this might be hard Izaya but…" He stops for a moment, probably expecting me to look at him. However, I can't. I'm barely listening to what he is saying. "You have to confront him. The only why you're ever going to get some sort of closure in your life in this situation is to confront him."

Confront him? Ha! I can barely think about him without feeling like I could explode. Shinra puts his hand on my shoulder in a comforting manner.

"_Izaya, don't let him have control over your life anymore." _

It's painful to admit, but he does control my life. The thought of him at least. Ever since he left, I have become a shell of my former self.

"…I'll think about it."

* * *

_Okay so let me say this before I forget, this song is inspired by the song **Back From The Dead by Skylar Grey**. Go listen to it! Also, if you think that you know exactly know where this story is going, forget it. This story won't have any cliches. It's actually filled with things I haven't read in other stories (later on). The cliche thing will be who is associated with who. BUT. I Assure you that this WILL end up Shizaya!_

_Sorry this chapter was slow and filled with just...junk :c There will be more talking in the next chapter :D _

_**PLEASE REVIEW!** It actually does affect my updating so please do review :3 _


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